I had the honor of speaking to my local moms’ group this week on the topic of family communication. I thought you’d enjoy it too, so below is a modified version.
“Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of inflicting injury, and remedying it.”
– Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Recently I escaped to the mountains for a weekend retreat with some of the ladies from my local moms’ group. My room had the interesting addition of some memorial plaques on the wall, and on one plaque for a great-grandmother named Pearl, I read this epitaph: “Never an unkind word left her lips.”
Wait a second. Never?!
Even before she’d had her coffee? ‘Cause I’m not sure my Holy Spirit is working until the caffeine kicks in.
More likely, as kind as I’m sure Pearl was, I’m sure she messed up sometimes too. I’m sure her kids and grandkids aren’t perfect. Because none of us will be perfect parents.
If using your words intentionally feels unnatural and forced to you, or you worry that you’ve already messed up your kids too much, you’re in good company.
We are going to mess up. We are going to mess our kids up. 100% of us will fail at this parenting thing, some of the time.
The most important words to say to our kids, besides I love you, are “I’m sorry.”
I just had to apologize a day ago to Edison. He brought home some fake vampire teeth from school, and called them his “retainer.” He was wearing his “retainer” one morning and not getting ready for school. Frustrated, I reached in his mouth and yanked it out – and it snapped in half. Edison started sobbing, “My new butainer! And I just got it!”
I took a few deep breaths and pulled him onto my lap on the couch. I apologized for breaking his “butainer” and promised to try to fix it. I ended up going to Walmart and buying him a new one, and I gave him my old retainer case to keep it in.
Using our words intentionally takes practice. Changing the labels, affirming and expressing gratitude, those are muscles we have to develop.
Can I be honest? In my family growing up, words were less of a source of “magic” and more weapons of mass destruction. Maybe you can relate? Even if you had a great childhood, we can all remember a time when someone used their words to bully, belittle, or betray us.
Words can cut us to the core.
Conversely, we all have people in our lives who said just the right thing to us at the right time. Maybe they believed in us when we didn’t believe in ourselves, or their sense of humor lightened a dark time, or their wisdom was exactly what we needed at that moment.
As an adult, and especially since having children of my own, I’ve had to learn how to communicate with my husband and my boys in a healthy way. It’s an ongoing journey, one that I haven’t mastered yet, but what I am learning gives me a lot of hope!
1. How We Communicate Matters
A Harvard Business Review study of effective leadership teams and a study of married couples’ likelihood of divorcing came to the same conclusion: success hinged on the words people spoke to each other.
If teams used more positive comments than negative, they were more effective. Couples who spoke positively to each other were less likely to divorce. In fact, both studies discovered that the most successful teams and couples used the exact same ratio: 5 positive comments for each negative one.
Most of our parenting is unconscious and habit: we do what we’ve experienced. But, we can change!
The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.
No pressure.
Our words can create a warm, loving atmosphere in our home, but if we’re not intentional, we could actually burn down our home around us.
2. Communicating Positively Takes Intention
But correcting our kids is kind of our job as parents. Somebody has to say, “Don’t touch the stove!” “Stop poking your brother in the eye!” “Stop licking the trash can!” (true story!).
So then what? We have to intentionally add positive words to our interactions. You can use your words to affirm your kids’ (and spouse’s)…
- Sense of Identity: Who they are, their gifts, abilities, personality
- Sense of belonging: Knowing they belong to your family, they’re unconditionally accepted, and can be themselves
- Sense of purpose: Based on their identity, what do they bring to the world?
I find it helpful to have a cheat sheet with positive things to say, so I made one for you! If you’re on my email list, you already received it in last month’s newsletter, but you can also download it RIGHT HERE.
3. Be Intentional With Your Self-Talk
Our self-talk is a powerful force for changing our family too – in fact, I’d go so far as to say our self-talk is probably most important.
Just scroll through Instagram, and you’ll see pictures from the epic birthday party a mom threw, an amazing outfit another mom is wearing, a new business a mom is running… it feels like all the other moms are doing all the things. We’re constantly comparing ourselves to other moms, and that takes a toll.
Here are some affirmations for us:
- I am a good mom.
- I am not perfect, but I am doing my best.
- I’m doing enough.
- That isn’t my priority right now (vs. I can’t/I never get to…)
- I am worth of rest and being cared for too. (That’s for you if your lunch ever consists of leftovers from your toddler’s plate)
4. Communicate to Birth Order
Understanding how your child’s and spouse’s birth orders may have affected their personality can also give you specific ways to build them up. Below is a summary of Kevin Lehman’s chapter on this topic in “Have a Happy Family by Friday,” the book we’re going through as a mom’s group:
- Treat Your Kids Differently: To communicate uniquely with your family members, Kevin Lehman stresses the importance of treating your kids differently. But wait, Aren’t we supposed to treat them all the same? To be fair? Actually, no. “The state you live in will treat your 16-year-old differently from your 14-year-old. Similarly, as parents, don’t be afraid to treat your kids differently concerning curfews, bedtimes, allowances, chores, screen time, and driving the car. Privileges should vary according to age and maturity, and you should communicate that.”
- Lighten Up on Your Firstborn or Only Child: Just because they can do a chore, does that mean they have to? Whenever possible, pass on some of their responsibility to the younger kids. Your firstborn kids are already hard on themselves, don’t add to it, especially when they make a mistake.
- Empower that Middle Child: Middle children more so than any other, feel overlooked and squeezed in the middle, and need to know you see them and you value them. Go out of your way to show appreciation for them. Another way to empower them is asking for their opinion, asking them how they feel about a certain situation, or letting them make the plans.
- Hold Your Youngest Accountable: This is the best thing you can do for your youngest, according to Kevin. Youngest children tend to be the entertainers of the family and also really good at acting helpless. They need to pull their weight in the family and learn that actions have consequences.
- Realize Who You’ll Butt Heads with the Most: Probably whoever is most like you will rub you the wrong way.
- Don’t compare: even accidentally. “I remember when your sister did that science project …” Comparing feeds sibling rivalries and makes the compared child feel less than.
5. Reject or Redefine Labels
Troublemaker. Bossy. Lazy. Shy. Good kid, bad kid. Our society loves to label kids, and honestly, it’s so easy to do. But I challenge you to be intentional about what labels you attach to your kids or allow others to attach to them.
“Bossy” is one that’s gotten a lot of attention lately – how many of you were called bossy growing up? (Raises hand). When boys take charge, they’re often called leaders but when girls do, they’re called “bossy.”
Edison could very well be described as “stubborn” and “shy.” Since those usually have some negative connotations, I choose to call him “persistent” and “observant,” “quiet,” or “thoughtful” instead.
6. How to Open the Lines of Communication
If communication isn’t open now, it won’t be when they are teenagers. If not when they’re teens, it won’t be as adults.
Much of the “Have a Happy Family by Friday” book focuses on teenagers, probably because that’s when most parents feel like there’s a problem. But good communication starts with toddlers.
Look for opportunities to enter your child’s world, not just to give out advice or get something accomplished. Make space for conversations – in the car, before bed, at dinner.
Helpful Phrases to Open the Lines of Communication:
- “That must be hard.”
- “That makes sense.”
- “Tell me more about that.”
- “How can I help?”
- “Great question!” Followed with “I don’t know, let’s find out!”
7. And The Perfect Parent Is…
The results are in: 100% of us will fail at this parenting thing, some of the time.
There’s only been one perfect parent ever – and that’s God. The Bible describes God as …
“A Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing.”
Psalm 68:5-6
“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”
Matthew 6:26
“If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
Matthew 7:11
God is the perfect parent, and who I look to for my example of how to parent my own kids with grace and unconditional love.
But it’s really hard, if not impossible, to give what you haven’t received. That’s why I also look to God for my affirmation, for my sense of identity, belonging, and purpose. According to Him, I’m chosen, loved, adopted, safe, called, with a purpose in life.
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
1 Peter 2:9
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,
Jeremiah 29:11
How precious are your thoughts toward me, Oh God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.
Psalm 139
A few practical applications:
- Find a time in your day to affirm your kids. It could be before bed, or in the car.
- Create “Family Values” and post them where you’ll see them. One of ours is “I can do hard things.” It’s a great reminder for all of us!
- Ask God to show you your identity, purpose, and belonging. It will change your life!
Family Communication 101 Cheat Sheet Download
Don’t forget to download your PDF printable of affirmations to use with your kids, and specific communication tips for each birth order!
