“How are you feeling?”
During the second trimester, when we’re really showing, all pregnant women understand what it’s like to be asked that question non-stop! There’s nothing wrong with the question, but I’m stuck on how I should go about answering it. Do they mean, how I’m feeling physically at the moment (probably fine) or mentally (losing it) or emotionally (in chaos)? Do they really want to know?
So usually I say, “Pretty good!” or “Pregnant!” Both of which are true. But here’s a more in depth recap of my second trimester, now that I’m at 31 weeks!
Physically
Weeks 14-28 were harder on the body … or at least harder in new ways. The morning sickness I’d had went away at week 13 like clockwork, but I was still SO TIRED. Weeks went by, and I felt frustrated that I wasn’t catching that second trimester energy burst. As it turns out, a blood test showed that I was anemic. I started an iron supplement, and while I didn’t see an overnight change, I definitely noticed a difference over time. Eventually, I didn’t have to take a nap in the afternoon anymore to make it through the day, and I could actually stay up late, you know, until 9 or 10 pm.
Right around the time I discovered the anemia, I also started getting bright spots in my vision and having issues with being lightheaded. The first time it happened, I was driving. I thought that some glare off the steering wheel was bothering me at first, until the spot spread until I could barely see out of my left eye at all. Thankfully, I made it safely to a place I could stop, and within 15 minutes, the bright spots had disappeared.
I had a couple similar episodes – it would come on randomly, usually while I was sitting and not doing anything strenuous, and usually after I’d eaten. My OB was stumped. My blood pressure has always been perfect. He suggested drinking lots of water and making sure I eat frequently and get enough protein.
Starting the iron supplement seemed to cut down on the episodes, but they recently started up again – worse than before. One lasted 45 minutes! I learned that putting my head down, like below heart level and allowing the blood to rush to my head helps, and my OB says that it sounds like a blood pressure issue. Yet still, my blood pressure always measures great when I’m in the office.
I had two ultrasounds in my second trimester right around 20 weeks, and baby BOY measured wonderfully and everything looked great! Because baby was too sleepy and comfortable in the first ultrasound, they weren’t able to get every measurement and sent me to a specialist, so we got to see “Baby brudder on the TD” twice, as Edison says. It’s amazing how much he looks like Edison already!
One thing I was anticipating during the second trimester was having my lactose intolerance go away, but unlike when I was pregnant with Edison, that didn’t happen this time. And I was SO looking forward to eating real mac and cheese!
Mentally
I don’t really remember! Haha!
Emotionally
“I forgot the way it sneaks up on you. It slips a pair of glasses over your eyes that show a the world through a false lens – one that’s skewed, dark, terrifying, and lonely. The glasses get darker and darker, without you realizing what’s happening, or that they’re there in the first place. You don’t realize you can actually take them off, with some help. Instead, you think you are seeing reality – and it’s a reality leached of all color, joy, and agency … and there’s no way out. You feel powerless, paralyzed, and even getting out of bed in the morning seems pointless.”
I wrote that in the post about 8 things I’m doing differently with this baby, at the end of May. And then during my second trimester I realized, it’s happened – I’m looking through those lenses now. It’s already snuck up on me, and I didn’t notice, again. I even googled “symptoms of depression” and crossed off the boxes, one by one.
Not that I really needed to, because the frequent bouts of crying, total hysterical breakdown and punching a wall were pretty good clues that something wasn’t right!
At first I felt mad at myself for not noticing it sooner. Now, it seems so clear: insomnia, heart palpitations, anxiety keeping me awake at night. I couldn’t remember when I last showered, and I didn’t care to put on makeup or fix my hair, or have energy for even basic basic self-care. Irritability, mind-fog that I couldn’t clear, missing deadlines and just general sense of dread and resignation about work, the work that I used to enjoy. Just wanting to sleep all day. Feeling like a terrible mom.
I felt reassured, at the same time, because now I know what’s going on. I also keep reminding myself:
- It’s not my fault. I didn’t do something wrong to bring this on.
- It doesn’t mean I’m weak, although that’s what it feels like honestly, sometimes. I want to ask, why can’t I handle this? Why can’t I be better than this? But mental illness is an illness – that’s like someone with strep wondering why they can’t just be strong enough to be better without antibiotics. Some illnesses you can’t just make yourself get over by trying hard.
- It does mean that when I have the thought, “Edison deserves a better mom than me,” it was a lie, and just the depression talking. “Inappropriate guilt” is the technical term – feeling guilty for things I don’t need to feel guilty for.
- It does mean there’s hope, because there’s treatment. There’s a next step and a way forward.
I started by scheduling a last minute session with my Christian counselor. To be honest, I balked at the changes she suggested: get more help with Edison, let some things go, take deep breaths, work up to taking care of yourself with whatever takes the least effort. Calm your nervous system by doing something that speaks to each of the five senses. Put an ice pack on your face to reset your nervous system. It seemed too simple.
And yet, a week later, the sun seemed to be shining a little brighter. I had much more patience with Edison, even while starting potty training. When the week before I could only sleep 2-3 hours, I started sleeping through the night. I actually took showers and painted my nails and trimmed my bangs.
During these last couple months of my second trimester, I felt like God gave me a very specific promise. In a sermon on 2 Corinthians, I felt like every word from a couple of verses spoke right to me.
“Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us …” – 2 Corinthians 1: 9, 10
“I will deliver you. Yes, we’ve been here before … and I delivered you then, too. If it feels like you’re near death now, remember, I am the God who raises the dead. I delivered you before, and I will deliver you again.”
I still have bad days, and sometimes the anxiety is almost crippling. But I’m having more good days than bad, and even on the bad days, I know that it won’t last forever.
In a lot of ways, I feel like a seed – buried in the ground, in the dark. But new life is coming – literally!
