Hindsight is 20/20 they say – and while I’m sure I will STILL have a lot to learn after a second go-around the baby block, there’s a few things I identified early on that I want to do differently with my second, some during pregnancy and some after birth.
Before Baby:
1. NOT cut my hair off.
When I saw the SNL clip about “The Cut”, I laughed out loud because it was so true. Getting a short haircut was on my bucket list, and I decided that pregnancy would be the perfect time for it. But looking back at photos, sometimes I think I had more of a “Maria from the Sound of Music” thing going than a cute lob. Even though I’m going to be pregnant the entire summer this time, I’m resolved to resist chopping it all off. Buns and braids will be my friends.
2. Look into a midwife.
Honestly, prenatal appointments weren’t fun the first time around. I drove 45 minutes, then waited half an hour to be seen for fifteen minutes and be told everything was “normal” in answer to my questions. I wasn’t totally thrilled with my OB the first time around, so this time, I looked into finding a midwife. I love that they spend so much more focused time with you, and sometimes they even come to your house.
But there’s just that little problem of me wanting to have a hospital birth with an epidural option. Ultimately, I’m glad I looked into it, but at the moment I’m seeing a new OB. If you’ve tried both, share your experience with me in the comments, I’d love to know the pros and cons of both and what you liked better!
3. NOT buy all the maternity clothes.
I thought I needed so much more than I really did. And then I had to find somewhere to store it all. This time around, I’m a different size, so some of the items don’t even fit anymore!
I’ve found that I need a lot less than I thought: two pairs of jeans, two pairs of shorts, a couple of tees, a few sleeveless tops, and two dresses, as well as a few non-maternity pieces that still work. Capsule wardrobe for the win!
4. Rest more.
I was determined to not let pregnancy slow me down the first time around. Now I know that that’s A. not realistic, and B. pointless. Pregnancy is hard on the body, emotions, and mind. It’s uncomfortable and frustrating and when I’m not getting a full night of sleep and can’t remember my yoga teacher’s name anymore, why not ask Brian for help with cleaning, eat cereal for lunch, take naps when I’m tired, sit on the couch and do nothing besides feeling baby kicks?
After Baby:
5. Take and share more photos.
After Edison was born, I was weirdly self-conscious about being “that mom” who spams everyone with a billion baby photos, so I often refrained from sharing the photos I took. Looking at those photos now, I think, “Who cares if people think I’m ‘that’ obsessed mom? How could anyone be mad seeing that adorableness?” It’s not possible. So, I’m sorry for depriving the world of cuteness.
This time around, at least we have Instagram stories! You’ve been warned.
Last December, I took a Skillshare class on newborn photography and then used my new skills to take newborn photos of my newest nephew. I think they turned out pretty great, and I’m excited to get to use those skills again!
6. Book a newborn photographer early.
Yes, I know I just talked about taking my own newborn photos, and I will – but I also know I want some family photos, and I’m not skilled enough with a self-timer to trust that I can capture them. With this second chance for photos, I really want to just trust to a professional so I don’t have to worry about it!
7. Chill out on breastfeeding.
FOR REAL. I know I blogged about it back in the day when we were going through it, but looking back, I have so much more perspective than I did then. I honestly thought I would be failing as a mother if I didn’t breastfeed, and Edison would be scarred for life. All the pushy nurses and doctors and well-intended friends and family didn’t help.
Ultimately, no amount of effort could change the fact that Edison had a lip tie and a tongue tie that took months to correct, severe reflux, and the lactation consultant said my inverted nipples weren’t at the “right angle” for breastfeeding. At some point, you just got to admit it’s just not meant to be.
When I think back to the months of excruciating pain, bruises, bleeding, infections, doctor appointments, stress induced hives, I regret putting myself through all of that for some flawed standard of what it means to be a good mother, instead of quitting and actually enjoying the sweet phase of newborn life with all of its other challenges. I would have been a better mom – I have no doubt about it!
The irony is that I was so concerned about bonding – but I ended up spending half my days pumping while someone else held and fed my baby. How much better our bonding would have been if I hadn’t been in excruciating pain and a mental basket case!
A happy mama is the best mama, and a baby needs his mama at her best more than he needs to drink milk from a breast versus a bottle.
8. Be prepared for postpartum depression and anxiety with this second pregnancy
I thought I had a plan the first time around. I’d done my homework, and knowing my propensity toward the dark side, I figured that extra pressures, lack of sleep, and crazy hormones could be an issue for me. But what I didn’t factor in was that after having a baby, I wouldn’t be able to trust myself to take action to get help.
Since I hadn’t dealt with depression since high school, I forgot the way it sneaks up on you. It slips a pair of glasses over your eyes that show a the world through a false lens – one that’s skewed, dark, terrifying, and lonely. The glasses get darker and darker, without you realizing what’s happening, or that they’re there in the first place. You don’t realize you can actually take them off, with some help. Instead, you think you are seeing reality – and it’s a reality leached of all color, joy, and agency … and there’s no way out. You feel powerless, paralyzed, and even getting out of bed in the morning seems pointless.
I was fairly good at faking normalcy, but it wasn’t until around Edison’s first birthday that the color started coming back. It wasn’t until the fog began to clear that I realized it was there.
So with this second pregnancy, I’m being proactive at involving others. I talked to my new OB about it in the first appointment. He told me that with a second child, the chances of it recurring are high so we’ll be on the watch. I’m also already seeing a counselor and will continue to after the baby is born, probably with greater frequency.
I don’t like the idea of medication. It freaks me out in fact, but I also know that studies have shown a mom’s postpartum depression and anxiety do have negative effects on the baby. If it comes to it, I’ll choose to be the healthiest version of myself for my children’s’ sake.
I’m sure I’ll have even more discoveries as time goes on. The 20 things I learned after having Edison are still very true!
If you’ve had more than one – what advice do you wish you’d told yourself the first time around? Share it with us in the comments!
