“I’m so tired of trying,” I texted, unable to hold back the tears any longer.
“I understand. I really do,” Brian replied.
That happened this morning. I’d planned this post topic weeks in advance, but let’s just say, I’m not an expert at making friends as an adult. It’s been a journey, and while I don’t have it mastered, I have come a long way. If you’ve struggled with making friends as an adult too, I hope my experience will help.
But why IS it so hard to make friends as an adult? Especially with other women?
Kids have it easy. When I watch my toddler on the playground, he bonds instantly with another kid over a shared love of rocks. Today he told me he has a best friend at school named Eliza, who is “forever in my heart.”
Men seem to have it easier too. They don’t play the comparison game as much as we do, or gossip about each other.
Granted, I’ve just moved from Arizona to upstate New York. And had a baby. For anyone else in my shoes, having a newborn can be isolating: all you do is feed them, eat, and sleep. But my struggle pre-dated becoming a mom, and I know I’m not alone.
Over half of Americans are lonely, according to an article I read recently. Women especially are struggling to connect.
Months ago, I asked my counselor, “If so many of us are lonely, why aren’t we finding each other? If so many of us say we want it, why is friendship still so hard?” She suggested that it could be due to our culture today, which values almost everything else above spending time with people and following through. You’re tired? There’s a show on Netflix you want to watch? Running late? All are good enough reasons to cancel plans on some one. Feel lonely? Scroll through Instagram until the feeling goes away. Double booked? Busy is the new black.
Why are we lonely? In a way, because it’s easy. It’s easier to just scroll on Instagram than to set up a coffee date. It’s easier to say I’m tired today and cancel plans. Its easy to be busy and overscheduled.
What’s really, really hard is continuing to make invitations and put yourself out there, especially when you’ve been rejected in the past.
My Friendship Fails
- One of my best friends, who I also worked with, friend-dumped me after I gave birth to Edison because, as she told me, my postpartum depression made me “too sad” to be friends with and it would hurt her image.
- When I invited the five girls from the book club to my house to watch a movie on my birthday, one by one, they all canceled.
- At the mom group playdate organized through church, I arrived late, and both moms had to leave early. No big deal – I looked forward to the next meeting. I was the only one who showed up. Again the next week, I was the only one. By the next meeting, I’d started working Tuesday mornings and couldn’t go.
- I drove 45 minutes to meet someone for gluten-free cupcakes and she never came, or answered my calls or text. I definitely still got cupcakes for the 45 minute drive home, and shed more than a few tears.
Later I found out that she stood me up because she got really sick. I totally understand that life happens and sometimes legitimate things come up that are out of our control. It just seems to happen to me an awful lot.
For an introvert like me, it takes a mammoth amount of courage to ask someone to meet me for coffee. And when I do, part of me just waits for the inevitable text the morning of, canceling.
See, I told you so. I think. Making friends is not worth the effort or the pain of this rejection.
And yet, part of me refuses to give up.
Maybe I’m just that desperate! 😉
I am incredibly blessed to have some enduring friendships that have stood the test of time – nearly decades! Even though we live in different states, it feels like we pick up right where we let off.
Based on my successes and failures in this struggle, here’s my advice:
6 Tips to Make Friends Worth Keeping
1. Be friendly
It starts with you! Take an honest look at your attitudes, actions, and environment. Do you always hang out with the same one or two people in the same places, or are you putting yourself in a position to meet someone new? Do you tell yourself that you’re a garbage person and no one likes you? If you don’t think you’re worthy of being known, liked, and treated well, chances are that other people won’t convince you otherwise.
If you go to work and don’t take an interest in others, and go home and binge watch Netflix, that’s not setting you up for success in friendships. Be friendly – smile and say good-morning at the grocery store, church, or in the hallways. Ask people how they’re doing, and actually listen – not just to their words, but their body language. Are they tired? Excited? Did they mention they were going hiking last weekend? Ask them how it went. Pay attention, and be genuinely interested in the people around you.
2. Widen your circle
Am I expecting to make an immediate soul-level connection? Do I expect someone to invest a lot of in-person time, but maybe they’re in a season of life where that’s not possible, (i.e. young kids at home, travel for work, etc.)? Am I considering “potential-friend material” only those people who look like you and think like me?
One fairly recent friendship is with a fellow mom writer. On the surface, those are the only things we have in common: mom, and writer. I’m a homeschooled pastor’s daughter from the Midwest who fell in love at first sight and worked at an ultra-conservative Christian non-profit; my friend’s past careers include flight attendant, English teacher, and burlesque dancer. She’s been divorced, and traveled the world. We’re different ages, with different life experiences, beliefs, and views.
I always look forward to our writing accountability calls, not just because I come away with a million ideas (she’s a whip-smart and hilarious writer and editor! Go sign up for her emails!) but she’s extremely generous, and a natural coach and cheerleader. I truly value her perspective and encouragement.
I NEED views and beliefs that challenge my own! She enriches my life, not just my writing. With all the division in this country, we desperately need friends who don’t look, act, and think like us.
3. Make the first move
I get it. It’s awkward. It’s scary.
What if they don’t respond to my text? Should I look up someone I met at church on Facebook? Is it weird if I like all their recent Instagram posts? There’s a mom of one of Edison’s classmates who looks my age and has a baby a few weeks older than mine: Can I put my phone number in her son’s cubby and ask her to call me maybe? Is that super creepy?
“Sometimes 20 seconds of insane courage is all you need,” as Ashley … of The Shine Project likes to say. I couldn’t agree more. I’m getting better at just trying. Yes, it might be awkward. Just acknowledging, “This is awkward!” can dispel the awkwardness.
Stop waiting for someone else to make the first move. Stop agonizing over the perfect wording. Just hit send.
4. Suggest a day and time
If I had a coffee date for every time someone told me, “We should get coffee sometime!” I’d be super wired.
Here’s the thing, “sometime” never comes. Instead of leaving it at, “Would you like to get coffee sometime?” actually suggest a day and time – ideally, a couple options. For example: “Would you like to get coffee sometime? I’m free Tuesday and Thursday mornings after 10 am.” If someone gives you a “sometime” invitation, follow up with, “Sure! How about this weekend?”
It feels a lot like dating – if he says he’s going to call you sometime, he’s probably not going to call. Unless he’s trying to play it cool … Clearly, I wasn’t good at dating either.
5. Reconnect with old friends
It’s easier to build a friendship when you have a place to start. This is the good side of social media. You can find old classmates, kids from your youth group, old book club, and former neighborhood and actually keep in touch. Who knows, maybe your arch nemesis from sixth grade actually turned out to be a nice person, and you have a shared passion for cheese-making?
6. Acknowledge that rejection hurts
When you’re friendly, you widen your circle, you make the first move, and they don’t text back, they cancel yet again, they don’t show up … it feels pretty crappy.
Acknowledge the hurt. Sometimes I cry. When I’ve arranged a baby sitter, and gone through the effort and time to rearrange my schedule to fit theirs, it’s disappointing when it doesn’t work out. I wonder, “Why me? Why again? What’s wrong with me?”
But I also I try to keep it in perspective. Life happens, and it’s probably not about me at all. And honestly, if it is, there’s eight billion people in the world, and 1.5 billion of them speak English. Not everyone is going to like me, and I don’t need everyone I meet to like me.
Yes, rejection hurts. But it’s only pain. It’s not going to kill me. This time, or the 50th time, is no guarantee that the 51st time won’t be different.
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Your Turn
Why do you think friendships are hard for us as adults? Does our throw-away culture play a role? Our overscheduled lives? How do you show your friends you value them? I want to hear from you in the comments below!
