That’s right! September 17th is the due date for Baby Conley #2!
February brought with it such a whirlwind of changes that for most of March, I’ve been catching my breath. Finding out I was pregnant was one of the biggest and best surprises, but not the only major change.
I’d come back from our Christmas break after praying and seeking God’s direction for several areas of my life – our family being one of them. I’d needed to work through a lot of fears and hang ups about having a second child, and it took a while to untangle that and get to the bottom of it, several months actually. One of the main factors I discovered was fear of what would happen with my job if I had another baby. The pregnancy with Edison was stressful and difficult when working full-time, and the transition back after maternity leave had left me with some trauma and fears I had to work through.
Then there was the physical and emotional trauma that I needed to heal from after the difficult post-birth experiences I had, not to mention my fears of the unknown future with two kids. Would Edison still feel loved? Would I be able to be a good parent to two kids, when I feel like most days, one is a struggle?
At the same time, I was praying and journaling a lot about my career future. I felt unsettled, even though I loved my team at work and what I was doing.
Ultimately, I was really inspired over Christmas by the interactions between Mary and Elizabeth.
In every sermon, in my quiet time, this passage kept coming up. Both of the women have just had their lives turned upside down. Elizabeth was pregnant in her old age and probably afraid of what was to come, like all first-time moms. Mary had the added pressure of being pregnant and a virgin, and all the risk that entailed. But in Luke 1, both women are rejoicing, and both say that God has been good to them.
Elizabeth says to Mary: “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her!”
I had an unshakable sense that change was coming and God was going to ask me to trust Him, and take steps of faith this year. Those steps would result in blessing if I believed. But what exactly were the promises I needed to believe?
One day at work, I heard a story from a lady who was going blind a few years ago. There was a 50/50 chance surgery would work or she would permanently lose all her sight. When asked what kept her going, she said, “Jeremiah 29:11, ‘For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.’”
It’s such a popular verse, I think we sometimes miss what a wonderful promise is there for us to cling to when it feels like the world is going dark around us. Whether she went blind or not, she could trust that this was part of a plan – not random happenings or mistakes. “Prospering and not harmful” – which doesn’t necessarily mean that the plan will feel great in the moment, but ultimately will work for our good. “A hope and a future” – not just surviving every day, but a promising future with truly abundant, joy-filled life that changes the world.
Later that same day, my boss sat down in my office and told me that for the sixth time in four years, I was being moved to a different department, and I’d have a new team and new boss, effective immediately. I knew in that moment what I needed to do.
I wrote my resignation letter over the next few days and planned the day I’d turn it in.
And then I missed my period.
The night before I’d planned to resign, I took a pregnancy test. Immediately, two pink lines appeared, and I broke down in tears, I’m sorry to say. That night, I tossed and turned. “I thought I heard you loud and clear!” I (mentally) yelled at God. “I thought I knew what I was supposed to do next. And now this?!”
I waffled for a week and half, trying to rationalize plans to make things work. Then a wise counselor looked at me and asked a question that stopped me in my tracks: “When you stop and listen, what do you think God is telling you to do?” I knew what I heard, but I was afraid to admit it. Loud and clear:
“What I said before is still true now. I have freedom and joy ahead for you – and my plan is good. But you have to let go of the things that are holding you back, and trust me.”
It was as if I could see two paths – one where I let go and stepped out into the unknown and trusted that the net would appear, and it ended it freedom and joy, and the other, where I wandered down a difficult path for some time – still ending up in freedom and joy, but the journey to get there was long and hard.
So I knew what I needed to do. February 22nd was my last day of full-time work.
In retrospect, the timing almost couldn’t have been better. With this first trimester, I’ve been beyond exhausted and not feeling well, and my current schedule of freelance writing roughly 12 hours a week is exactly what I needed. Plus, I get to spend more time with this guy, before he gets a sibling.
At the beginning of the year, I dreamed about someday working from home as a freelance writer three days a week, while staying home with Edison and a second child two days a week. It’s been three months, and now, I’m living it.
It’s not been easy, by far. Being pregnant, while enrolling in a business class, while starting a business, and working part-time, and taking care of a two-year-old, has not been easy. Neither has a smaller budget, finding health insurance, an OB, figuring out what to do about my braces (which were supposed to come off this year and are now delayed), hasn’t been fun either – to name a few things.
But despite my moments of anxiety and overwhelm, I’m still clinging to my verse for this season: “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her!”
As my schedule allows, I plan to write more in the future about what I’m doing differently this pregnancy, how the first trimester is going, and answer any questions you might have. But if you’re struggling with the decision to have more kids – I just want to say, I get it. It’s not always an easy decision. If you’re facing some other major decision, sometimes I think we know what we’re supposed to do, but we talk ourselves out of it. I’m thankful that God gives us the verses, songs, or words to direct us, if we’re only willing to listen.
